Pandemic Pandemonium aka Where Are My Pants?

I’m going through an unfortunate Velveeta cheese stage right now. Since I have readers from six continents (hello, Antartica?), let me pause to explain that Velveeta is a Midwestern U.S. indulgence seen mostly during college football season and always in a Crockpot. It comes in a box and requires no refrigeration before opening; therefore, it is NOT cheese. In fact, I gave up Velveeta 20+ years ago, not coincidentally around the same time I began referring to my omelettes as frittatas.

During all this pandemic pandemonium I haven’t bothered to wear pants—unless sweat pants or yoga pants count. So when I went to the doctor last week and stood on the scale I was aghast and demanded drugs for my unexplained weight gain. I even had blood drawn to check my thyroid. “Your thyroid is fine,” she said when the results came in. “Are you sure you’re not eating too much?” Then in my mind I heard her say, “Like, maybe, two pounds of Velveeta?”

I can explain.

Devil Dog went blind. Well, not blind blind. Just blind in one eye—like, his-eye-was-removed blind. A week after surgery he was doing pretty well with his one-eyedness when he was viciously mauled by another dog.

We had been walking in our neighborhood so The Husband ran back to our house to get the car while I held Devil and tried to keep him calm. This happened on a Thursday. When Friday rolled around and The Husband finally showed back up with the car (I exaggerate), I flopped into the passenger seat and slowly, slowly, began to see…that…I…was…covered in shit. “Why am I covered in shit?” I queried, with the innocence of a babe in arms. The Husband replied in a whisper, “It was me.” Then whole scene played back in my mind. I remembered the other dog coming at us, the screaming and then The Husband beating the other dog with Devil’s poop bag. I was covered in the stuff and The Husband seemed fresh as sunshine. Not that I’m saying he left me on that street corner so he could get cleaned up but, your Honor, I give you Exhibit A.

All this horror happened to Devil from late July to October so I was Jonesin’ for some normal. College football was back and my sweat pants were clean enough to pass the Smell Test. I dusted off the Crockpot and found a soup recipe that called for perfectly decadent ingredients including a pound of Velveeta cheese.

When kickoff was upon us, we ladled ourselves big bowls of soup. Wait, no. It was chip dip and I had made five quarts of it. Also, the game was not televised. Also, I still had a pound of left-over Velveeta.

Six weeks later, Devil is back to his old self. He even fetches the ball again which, as faithful readers know, is Devil’s whole raison d’être. I’m not quite back to my old self yet but I have a plan: The chip dip and the Velveeta should run out just in time to usher in 2021 at which time I’ll put on some pants (zero guarantee that they will zip) and make myself a frittata.

***Don’s scroll further if you don’t want to see Devil’s dreadful mauling***

Devil after two surgeries
Devil today, feeling fine
Sorry. I told you it was a mauling.

56 Comments

  1. Poop is soft. Why would your husband use a poop bag to beat a dog? Although this does give new meaning to the term, “beating the shit” out of something. I’m glad your dog survived from that nasty mauling. Egads, that was awful to look at.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh I did the sweat pant thing and yeah you don’t realize you are gaining weight. Won’t do that again. Devil dog looks like he has been wearing sweat pants also. How is he doing these days?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very observant. Devil did get his fair share of Velveeta pill pockets and without his usual feverish “balling”, his calorie burn was down. He’s doing pretty damn good for a one-eyed fat man. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, poor Devil. I am so happy he is doing better, but some mean part of me is hoping he gave as good as he got. Yoga pants, sweat pants, unexpected weight gain – I’m right there with you. However, I draw the line at Velveeta {shudder and gag}. 👍😊💗

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Alison, you told me not to scroll, but I scrolled. Oh my gosh! Poor Devil. That looks horrible. You must have also been covered in blood! Sort of puts our Silas’ near-death experience with diabetes in perspective. I’m glad Devil is doing better. I’m right there with you with the Velveeta. Our mother made mac and cheese with it back in the 50s when it was probably 29 cents a box.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve missed your blog posts over the last months, Alison. I hope you are okay — staying well — and I hope Devil Dog has fully recovered. I made the mistake of scrolling down and seeing the photo of the mauling again. I have no words! You’re probably still having flashbacks. Again, I hope all is healed and okay now. Our 12-year-old diabetic dog just spent 8 days in the hospital with pneumonia. I always love my dogs too much, and it rips my heart out every time there’s a crisis. Take care, Alison. — Oh, I almost forgot. My sister just read a book called The Paris Library, by Janet Skeslien Charles. She highly recommends it. She said the author splits her time between Paris and Montana. I immediately thought of you!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. So nice to hear from you! Devil has aged 10 years this year. It is heartbreaking. I’ve had real writer’s block since then. Maybe I’m mourning. I have read The Paris Library and liked it very much. I enjoy historical fiction as it’s the only way I can absorb some history lessons. Take care Janet. Always nice to see you pop up in my reader.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Poor baby! Glad he’s better.
    I’m Nooming and so far, so good. I actually had a craving for Velveeta the other day, which they say can happen. Not specifically cravings for Velveeta, but odd things you haven’t had in years or whatever, just because you’re taking control. It’s the body’s rebellion, I’m guessing.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. OMG your poor dog! Mine demands “pasteurized cheese food,” one American “cheese” single after he takes his pills, an anti-itching tablet and a glucosamine joint supplement. He does not like actual cheese at all, turns nose up at pricey cheddar or swiss. Hope your pants fit when you try them on. I’m retired so no compelling reason to switch from sweats. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s funny about your dog’s cheese preferences—mine eats anything except carrots. I’m still pretty sure the weight gain is my thyroid (wink wink). My doctor actually has me keeping a food log right now which means I have to forego the Velveeta. Thanks for saying hi. Good to hear from you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My less picky dog spits out the peas in her canned food. Carrots are OK, peas, no thanks. Funny how a food log keeps us on the straight and narrow. Growing up, Velveeta was a staple in our house. And not just in the crock pot. Macaroni and cheese, cheese sauce on vegetables (no better way to get kids to eat broccoli), on sandwiches in our lunchboxes (with bologna and Miracle Whip and a wisp of iceberg lettuce). I did a sonnet about cheese once: How Do I Love Cheese? Let Me Count the Ways! Here is the link: https://justjoan42.wordpress.com/2018/09/16/holy-gorgonzola/

        Liked by 2 people

      2. We are kindred. Love your cheese poem! When I go to Paris I live on cheese and wine for dinner. When my sleep doctor said I had to give up cheese I said I’d rather not sleep, thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there. We didn’t go in 2020 but have rescheduled for September of this year. Time will tell if it happens or not. Looks to be iffy. I’m vaccinated and ready to roll! How are you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Alison. Good to hear from you. We’re about in the same “boat”. 2020 canceled rescheduled for this July. We’ll see if it is possible at the last minute.
        And we have had our first shot. We should be all square in a week or two.
        So glad for you. September sounds a bit “surer” than July. best wishes.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I had my second shot a couple of weeks ago. It feels so good to know we are getting closer to normal. Paris will be weird as I know many businesses will not reopen. Good fo hear from you!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Great. we do look forward to our second shot and this feeling of getting closer. I still wonder what we’ll do. Not sure Paris will be re-open in July. Imagine Paris with cafés and restaurants closed? Not to mention museums? Not sure it would be worth it. Fingers crossed and we’ll see. Happy Easter.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. So would I. Getting crazy here. There is a cartoon my grandson likes, called “Ladybug”. Set in Paris. He just saw an episode. I felt good to watch the old streets. Even in a Japanese cartoon. 😉

        Liked by 2 people

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