If You Say “Dry Heat” I Will Punch You in the Face

In the summer we belong to a golf group called Nine & Dine–nine holes of golf starting at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, then we dine en masse. Last week while dining I was asked by a lady who was a former pro-golfer, “So…what do you like to do other than golf?” I looked at her and blinked in rapid succession and could only stare. While I DO go out on plush fairways with a stick and a ball, it’s not what she would call golfing.

What do I like to do? As I saw it, my response could go one of two ways. I could answer her with rhetoric or… I could deliver her Today’s Truth which is illustrated best by the Arizona weather forecast and the TV screen shot below:

imageimage

I consider delivering my opus of Today’s Truth by assuming the demeanor of Al Pacino:

Are you talking to ME? What do I like to DO? Well, I’m summering in Arizona which might as well be the Gaza Strip the way the airport here is evacuating people before the big heat wave and people are being told to stay inside. I have a dog who likes to play with the ball the ball the ball the ball and if he doesn’t get exercised three times a day he becomes the devil. So I’m living with The Devil. And that’s appropriate since we are living in hell. Oh…and I study French, Italian and Spanish.

At night I’m just a teensy bit restless because, you know, I’m post-menopausal and we live in a skillet. I go to bed but can’t sleep. Go pee even though I don’t need to. Throw the covers off. Consider putting a heating pad on my aching knee but decide I would rather just amputate my leg in the morning. Throw off the covers. Get brain worm song “Burning Down the House”.  Pee. Get on Facebook and give a 😡 emoji to anyone who posts a Grateful Meme and unfollow anyone who lives in the mountains. Shuffle around in bed throwing the covers off and sighing loudly enough to wake The Husband who simply rolls over and continues to sleep. Pee. Watch the sun come up. Accidentally jab The Husband in his rib with my elbow. He turns to me with a sweet smile and inquires softly, “Sup?”

Sup?! Sup!? I now scream. Me! I am sup and have been all night! Somehow this is now his problem. I slog to the bathroom devoid of any pee but nonetheless sit on the toilet, translating in my head, “There is no such thing as dry heat,” in French, Italian and Spanish.

I snap out of my daydream and see now that my new acquaintance is still waiting for my response. I decide Nah on answering her with Today’s Truth, say goodbye to my Al Pacino persona and deliver instead,

Let’s see. What do I like to do? Oh, just normal stuff like travel, reading, spending time with my family. And golfing. I do so enjoy our Nine & Dine in the summer.

I wait for the inevitable response, “It’s great here because it’s a dry heat” but it never comes, thank God, because I would have had to punch her in the face. Then I repeat Nine & Die in my head in French, Italian and Spanish.image

47 Comments

  1. I live in North Carolina, so I’m afraid to say anything to you right now. LOL! I’m glad you took a humorous route. Not sure I could have under the same circumstances. I hope your killer heat wave breaks soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mississippi burning comes into mind when looking at those temperatures and illustration. Poor you! We are currently experiencing a heatwave in the UK too, but I am not complaining because I am sick of such long, grey, cold and wet winters and I am always longing for sunshine. The thing is, a heatwave here in inevitably followed by a storm and weeks of rains, so I know it won’t last for more than a few days. Swimming seems far preferable than golf where you are, though. Try and have a splash!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agreed. Swimming it is but only after the sun goes down. The sun will boil me like a lobster if I swim in the daytime. It’s 6am now and I have hurry and walk Devil Dog before the streets get too warm. You stay safe. I keep seeing all the nonsense happening in England. Are you close to any of that?

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      1. The local council has issued a warning stating that because we have had two consecutive days over 30C in the day and over 16C at night, we have to take extra precautions in school, so our students, including seniors, are allowed to wear shorts and sandals (with socks, mind) to school. Sandals with socks???? What’s the point in that? (only in Britain!) In addition, we have a cold water dispenser in the hall all day, which would normally only come out at break and lunch. But it will be all over tomorrow, as storms and heavy rain are expected. I knew it wouldn’t last: it never does over here.

        By the way, you probably know this, but spraying water on your face will help you stay cool, which is better than having to run for a shower every few minutes. How is it going?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We are surviving, Devil Dog and I. I think a blogpost is in the works about our arduous journey. Socks and sandals sounds like American travelers from New Jersey. I’ve got an image in my head now.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I promise to never even ever never again complain about my sub-zero winter blasts (until I forget). I would say something about how I could actually here Al coming through your persona saying “the ball the ball the ball,” but years of interactions with young ladies experiencing nights like yours tell me to just sit, smile, and nod (until I forget). And I express my sincere support for your displeasure of grateful meme during your, um, tryng times.
    Oh, and I love the cartoon

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of my favorite posts to date. Wondering how you’ve been faring in the furnace this week – and how can you play golf at 3 pm? But then again it’s a dry heat 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so lucky to be out of slugging distance. I know. All these 80 year old women are fine with it and I’m suffering heat stroke. Jersey’s depressed as you can imagine.

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  5. My husband has talked about moving there, but that would me. It IS me when it comes to peeing and there’s nothing there. Also post menopausal. When I lived in Colorado and it was cold, my friend in Yuma would send me posts on how warm it was there in winter, like “eat your heart out sister”. She thought she was being cute.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your friend in Yuma is mean. Although I think I’m guilty of that kind of bullying myself when it’s January here. What is up with the peeing anyway? I think mine is pure boredom.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I was stunned when I looked at your weather forecast, and I live in Florida. Yes, the humidity is bad, but we don’t get into the 90s except on especially hot days. Day after day 90s and 100s is insane. My suggestions are to start sleeping naked with a standing fan blowing directly over you, and get a cat. The dog has had his day. I love how every piece of this post came together so well. I can see the work in creating it. The dog is the devil and ya’ll are in hell. Perfect and hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Way ahead of ya, sister. Already naked with the fan. If Devil Dog weren’t so compassionate when I have migraines (and that is the only time he shows me affection) I would have sent him to the “farm” where he could run and play. Thank you for the kudos on the writing. When it’s this hot, you’ve got nothing but time to hone your work!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Seems we have yet another thing in common – nighttime tossing, turning and throwing off of covers. Been there, hell, I AM there! Almost impossible to imagine being in this state in a State where the low temperatures of the day are the highs around here. (Please don’t unfriend me. Those bulges around my house are not really mountains, more just like big hills.)
    Any chance of you getting out of Dodge in the near future?
    And I commend you for your very non-Al Pacino reply. Very civil. Appropriate.
    In German, the phrase you are looking for is “Neun und Sterben”, which has the sufficiently harsh sound that you seem to be aiming at. I bet the French translation sounds poetic and flowery.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are in a different day with your time zone so I will look to you as a time traveler and allow you to be my cushy mountain life friend. Neun und Sterben, huh? Maybe I should pick up another language. There is nothing else to do in Hades. I’m not kidding, you the birds are pecking at my windows saying, “Let us in!” Very Hitchcocky and more than a little unnerving. Yes! We actually have a small cabin in the mountains of New Mexico just a 10 hour drive away. When Hubby returns I will threaten to leave him for the air conditioning tech if he doesn’t take me there.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Two things upfront: I don’t think “Hitchcocky” is a word. And – from now on I’m calling you “Tippi”.
        I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but the temperatures in Phoenix made international news. I watched the report on the evening news here in Mountainland and said “Hey! I already know all about that from my blog friend, Tippi! There are birds pecking at her windows!”

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Also I feel like Hitchcocky could be an adjective because you clearly understood me. If we added an “ly” ending it could be an adverb. See. I was listening back when I had a teacher like you. “Don’t open the door, Tippi! Stay inside!!”

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  8. We are also having a heat wave in France and living without A/C is killing me. It is also killing my two Frenchies (one of whom is also obsessed with his balls, lol). It would not be so bad if I weren’t also working from home, and had some relief from the heat. My mojo has completely melted. The pool beckons, but like you I can’t take the heat of the sun. Who knew planes couldn’t fly in extreme heat?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Weirdly, it is not my home state! I live in Oklahoma and have a vacation cabin in the mountains of Nee Mexico. Just rank stupidity has me staying here right now instead of home or the mountains! Thanks for reading.

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      1. mine only took 8 years but I suffered severely for the 40 years of my cycle so every flush was a step closer to ending that cycle 🙂
        Ask your Mum or sisters but we all differ.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG you hit a home run with this one! Totally loved it. Guess I’ll stop bitchin’ about my FL humidity now.
    PS: Thanks for following my blog. You set a high humor bar, but a girl can dream.

    Liked by 1 person

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