His Name Was Jersey

by Alison

My little boy died last week. By little boy I mean dog. By died I mean at the hands of the paid assassin I hired to take him down. I don’t know if it’s coming through but, I feel a lot of guilt.

How do these four-legged angels seep so deeply into our souls? Dogs are small brained mammals who have trust issues. Mostly they trust too much. There’s a reason some among the homeless population have dogs. Sleep with me on a bench at below freezing? If I can be with you, sign me up! replies the dog. Meanwhile the cat says I beg your f**king pardon but first of all I don’t DO cold and secondly, what’s in it for me?

My little boo went by the name of Devil Dog in my blog. It seemed fitting for all the shenanigans he pulled. A bottle of thyroid pills consumed one day, a case of toilet paper the next. And the incessant ball fetching. My god I would grumble—someone hide that ball I can’t take it anymore. Lately his little claws would click click click on the tile floor. He was not in his right mind, a little demented from old age and blindness. He would just get up and turn in large circles in the kitchen click click click. Find a spot! I would scream. Oh my god, stop clicking!!

Since last Wednesday when I sent him to his death, his little red ball sits atop a bookshelf with his worn collar draped across. And the house is deadly silent even when there is conversation and chaos around me. My god why didn’t I throw that little red ball every single time he asked? It was only for 13 years. I could’ve quit my job to throw that damn ball. My god what I would give to just once more hear the click click click of little Jersey’s claws.

His name was Jersey. And he was exceptional.

Categories: FamilyTags: , , , , , , ,

31 Comments

  1. They are all exceptional don’t you know – that’s why they’ll sleep on park benches with you. Someday you’ll be better, but don’t ever lose that ball!

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    1. That ball that nearly killed me for all those years when he placed it in my walking path will now kill me metaphorically when I see it. At least for a time. Then I hope it will make me smile.

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  6. Such a difficult tine for you. I know exactly how you feel. It’s been years since we out out 14-year-old dog down and when I think about him, I feel like I didn’t do enough. I also remember the click, click, click on the floor. But I am guessing you really don’t want to forget that or anything else about your boy.

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    1. Isn’t it something this grief thing? It’s the hardest thing to know when it’s time. If only they could tell us “when” the guilt would be lessened. Thanks for your sweet comment.

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  7. David and Alison, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you had already gone through this. It is a terrible thing to Lose a beloved pet. I’m glad I got to see him recently. He had a wonderful life with you two.

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  8. So beautifully said. I feel sorry for people who aren’t dog people. It is a unique relationship, precious beyond understanding. I miss every dog I’ve ever had keenly still. It’s so, so worth the pain of loss.

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    1. Thank you, Beth. Still currently in the “I’m never getting another dog it hurts too much phase” but yes, maybe someday we’ll open our hearts to another dog. I agree. Every animal I’ve ever had holds a forever place in my heart.

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    1. Ah. I used to let him off leash to run along the fence line in our neighborhood so he could pace the neighbors’ dog and I would yell, “Run, Jersey, run!” He’d wait for this command before he took off like a jet. Nice to hear from you.

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      1. Enjoyed the humor you brought to what should have been just sad. We will be facing the hired assassin at some point soon as our boys are also stumbling around like demented old men. Hugs!

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  13. Aren’t our phones awesome? You have photos and videos to help your memories and you can still see him running with his little ball. Those will help you keep his memory nice and clear when you need it. Don’t be hard on yourself. I’m sure you waited until it was the right time. It just never feels right. Hugs!

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    1. No of course you’re right. It’s hard not to wish you’d done more or better but I know it was the right thing to do. I’m so glad we have all those videos and photos.

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  14. I am so sorry to hear that your four-legged companion has passed away. The worst part about owning a dog is having to say goodbye, and that goodbye always feels far too soon. It’s not simply losing ‘a dog,’ it’s losing a beloved member of the family. My heart hurts for you. Sending you a comforting hug. Aiva xx

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  15. I’m so sorry. Those little guys do seem to wriggle right into the center of our world and our hearts. Sweet tribute you gave here. Don’t let the guilt be all consuming. Sometimes, the hardest decisions are the best in the long run. He’s not suffering now, and truthfully, there could have been a worse end that would have brought more guilt. So, cherish the time you had and look upon that little red ball with the happy thoughts of all the good times and not the regret. Praying for you today.

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