I wrote this about six months ago. It’s hard to believe I was suicidal knowing now how content I am today. Had I not had a husband in the next room, I might have taken my own life. My problem was chronic lack of sleep which induced depression. In the recent wake of the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I thought I would post what was originally meant to be private. I owe my life to Dr. Shawn Steinborn of Tempe, Arizona for helping me find a way out. I wish Kate and Anthony had had someone to have led them out of their darkness. In six months I went from suicidal to celebratory. Please hit the pause button and ask for help if you are depressed. My lifelong problem with sleep was cured. Whatever ails you has a cure. Just keep seeking.
Awake again at 1am. No hope of sleep in sight. No hope.
Weeks of regimented bedtime and diet and taking hormones and supplements. Weeks and weeks with only one week of rest. I don’t want to kill myself I just want to cease to exist.
I have no more hope of being normal. No more hope of living a long life because this sleeplessness is killing me. Day by day and week by week my bones become less dense, my mind loses its elasticity, my heart beats harder and faster, my liver is taxed with all these pills I have to take and for what? For the possibility of sleeping five out of forty goddamned days? It isn’t worth it to me anymore. I don’t want to fight this damned disease anymore. I really do just wish to cease to exist.
I wouldn’t kill myself. I wouldn’t want those I love to be faced with the shame of me giving up. I wouldn’t want them to bare any guilt feeling like they should have done something to intervene. But if I happened to have a fatal heart attack in the middle of the night when I’m wide awake and everyone else is sleeping, that would be just fine with me.
There has been a scientific correlation made between lack of sleep and life expectancy. I expect to live only 12 more years. There has been a correlation made between chronic insomnia and Alzheimer’s disease. I expect to spend most of my last 12 years not recognizing anyone I love and not remembering anything I ever did. Isn’t that already death? I pray God will take me from this earth and though I don’t believe in an afterlife anymore I don’t believe in this life either.
If you do not have chronic and clinical insomnia you do not understand. Lack of sleep for 35 years will make you crazy. I am crazy. And I am fresh out of hope. I have fear and self-loathing so predominant in my thoughts at night that it eats my insides till I’m just empty of emotion. I fear the future and I loath myself for not getting in bed and going to sleep. Just go the fuck to sleep. When the sun comes up, I am better. Because even though I’m exhausted, at least in the daytime I can hide behind conversations and smiles and blend in with the normal people. But at night when I lay in bed for five six seven hours and get no sleep at all, I have nothing but hate for myself for being so ridiculously inept at being human.
I do not seek advice on sleeping anymore. I have truly tried everything. Hypnotic sedatives work but I don’t want to take them. I want to sleep like you do. What the hell is wrong with me and why couldn’t someone fix it? Put me in a coma where I don’t have to spin anymore. Please God, take me. I just want to disappear.
If you wake up and I’m not here take comfort in knowing it is what I wanted. It’s all I want.